|Macho Women with Guns? Yes! "The only roleplaying
game in the Vatican Archives" is Greg
Porter's deliciously tasteless*, entirely satirical RPG of blowing
things to smithereens. Now in its second edition, it continues to appeal
to our basest instincts by providing sex, violence, and vehicle statistics
in one inexpensive package (with tons of cool artwork by everybody from
Dan Smith to Liz Danforth, and the unbeatable Darrell Midgette).
The Macho Women - and the things they like to shoot - are now available
as paper miniatures for your gaming pleasure! From punks to rednecks, from
giant war robots to undead postal carriers, to lots of babes with implements
of death, this is the most unusual (and largest!) Sparks
* It's best if phrases like this aren't examined too closely.
Want to see what it's like? We've included a group
of four macho women and four worthy foes as part of the freeware
Sparks: Free For All. Give it a test drive, and
you'll like what you see!
What kind of miniatures do you get? There are 42 in all,
21 in each of two fonts, mapped to each letter from A through U.
Font #1: Macho Women
- B.W.B. (A/a): The
term "Bat-Winged Bimbo from Hell" is a crass generalization,
as Tica, here (a Bat-Winged Bimbo from Ogden) clearly demonstrates. Nice
- Sigourney (B/b):
She's all cute and sweaty and grunty and sick to death of the Alienses
crawling around under the gratings. (This is, of course, a reference to
Sigourney Weiland, little-known karaoke performer, and not to any recognizable
- Terminatrix (C/c):
An ultra-tech robotic killer sent back from the future to deliver short
one-liners in a very thick accent. Due to a short in her circuits, she
is no longer programmed to zip up her jacket.
- Sister Sandra Renegade (D/d):
There's nothing sexier than a lapsed Catholic in her underwear.
- Ninja (E/e): She'd
look slick in a superhero campaign; she's both macho and elegant, shown
dancing back to avoid a careless spray of submachinegun fire. Don't think
you can harm her with simple guns . . . Gotta be clever.
- Jackbooti Leatheri (F/f):
The combination of fashion and fascism might seem passé, but Inga
isn't really about politics. She just likes fine black leather, and the
feel of a hot gun in her hands.
- Leana (G/g): Leana
really is from Hell, but she keeps an apartment in Redondo Beach.
- Sister Mary Renegade (H/h):
The leader of the Houston Convent of Renegade Nuns, Sister Mary Renegade
is as tech-savvy as she is lovely, and dresses more conservatively than
many of her fellow sisters
- Rumba (I/i): She
returned from an unpopular foreign war to discover she got lest respect
than when she left. That is, until she teamed up with Sirocco . . .
- Miss Savage (J/j):
The Woman of Bronze is more than just a stunning complexion. She's a golden-age
superheroine with steel-grey eyes and a shocking capacity for getting her
friends killed in deathtraps intended for her.
- Sirocco (K/k): When
she was in her teens, she discovered that she could mentally control the
humidity. She uses her powers only for good (which is to say, she uses
it to make Rumba look all shiny and sweaty when they're out together kicking
- Vixen of Vengeance (L/l):
They murdered her family and toilet-papered her house, and she's going
to make everybody pay. Criminals, beware!
- Nameless Drifter (M/m):
From the obscure "Exploitation Spaghetti Western" sub-subgenre
that Sergio Leone and Russ Meyer were secretly planning (but never got
off the ground) comes this excellent example of Old West Woman, armed for
bear and bare for ratings. She's got a taste for thin Mexican cigars, raw
meat, and cordite.
- Conanne (N/n): She
was bringing "faithful shield-maidens" to their doom in prehistoric
ruins millennia before Miss Savage lost her first hapless sidekick.
- Indian Ocean Jones (O/o):
The bullwhip is for snapping pistols from the hands of treacherous native
guides, swinging across chasms, and wrapping truck axles. The pistol
is for fun.
- Joan Carter of Mars (P/p):
She can outwrestle green, bristly aliens with three times her number of
arms, but she has to work hard (and wear less) to get a decent tan so far
from the sun.
- Nurse Edna (Q/q):
Rrrrrowl. Hot-cha. Hubba, hubba. Well, no. But she is macho, and
don't be surprised if she has a gun somewhere, too.
- Oddzilla (R/r): She's
purple. Not in a Jane Austen way, in a what-you-get-when-you-mix-red-and-blue
way. What a horribly embarrassing way to die.
- ZsaZsathoth (S/s):
Frequently mistaken for her sister, Evathoth. Possibly the creepiest image
ever put on a Spark. And please, if you're printing this one out just to
turn it around and look at her backside, don't write to let us know.
- Yoko Uggoth (T/t):
I spoke too soon. If you think her spindly legs and piscine features are
horrifying, just plug in the amp, baby, and let that microphone go live.
- Richard Tucholka (U/u):
Obscure game designer Richard Tucholka is not a woman, but he's so incredibly
macho he belonged here, among a gaggle of babes that are, collectively,
barely enough to satisfy his manly appetites.
Font #2: Macho Targets
- Chief Executive Sexist (A/a):
He plays the sax and smokes marijuana, yet manages to entirely avoid being
cool. When he eats a burger, baby, then he inhales. Hail to the
- Salivating Sexist (B/b):
Disco lives on in his heart. Things even more terrible live on in his fridge.
He's looking for a woman who can clean as well as she dances. In Macho
Women with Guns, that's a quest for high-velocity lead.
- Redneck (C/c): Rufous
Ludd has always secretly wanted a nickname like "Space Cowboy,"
but in the meantime, he'll make himself feel better by copping a feel on
any chicks that walk by. He knows they want him. Suck in that gut, Rufous.To
name his friends (Rednecks are best in hordes), Roll 1d6 on the following
table, 1d6 times, per Redneck:
- Congressional Subcommittee (D/d):
This would have been much harder to do in pewter. Sparks rule!
- Mental Midget (E/e):
They travel in hordes, eager to bust either kneecaps or unions - whichever
is making them feel inadequate at the moment.
- Puppy of Tindalos (F/f):
More than ordinary puppies, the Tindalos pups are confused by rooms without
convenient corners to be naughty in.
- Televangelist (G/g):
Your soul is TEMPTED by the wiles of SA-tan, and he must
SAVE you. Visa/MasterCard accepted with a self-righteous smile.
- Zombie Mailman (H/h):
Because no game of mayhem is complete without the restless dead. Rod here
was taken down by a pack of mad hounds when trying to deliver a C.O.D.
to a little old lady on Cedar Avenue, but they didn't get his bones,
by god. Nobody will ever get his bones. He's a little fixated, and
we don't just mean the stare.
- HunterBot (I/i):
A TGK-Series assassin android, the HunterBot can be dressed in a variety
of SimuFlesh sheathes for covert operations. This one's mostly naked, since
the girls in the first font are, too. It's only fair.
- Lawyer (J/j): Judge
him not by size, for his ally is divorce. Print the front of this Spark
with the back of HunterBot for a "disguised" assassin
. . . See if your players are eagle-eyed enough to notice!
- Alienses and Alienses2
(K/k and L/L): They scuttle; they bleed
acid; they crawl; they squeal. They annoy the living hell out of Sigourney.
They like to smile, just to give the ol' facial slime a good stretch.
- Isaac Azathoth (M/m):
A popular keynote speaker at the annual convention of Extradimensional
Aliens Who Want To Eat Our Souls, "Dr. I" is prolific, witty,
and a sneaky teleporting hell-fiend. Responsible for over 400 occult grimoires,
and well-renowned throughout the seventh dimension for his off-the-cuff
cocktail speeches and bawdy humor, he's the only living entity who's ever
groped ZsaZsathoth for fun.
- Bambo (N/n): A deer
with a bazooka.
- Killer Rabbit (O/o):
A fanged hell-bunny with no need for a bazooka.
- Crow with a Machine Gun (P/p):
You really can't trust animals in Macho Women with Guns.
This kind of thing is why most Macho Women have no qualms about wearing
fur, leather, or (in this case) feathers.
- Drunken Frat Boy (Q/q):
His knowledge of Greek is limited to the three letters on his T-shirt,
but his knowledge of porn stars, cheap beers, and football trivia are impressive.
- Soccer Hooligan (R/r):
Brits have cooler punks than we do, damn their eyes.
- Hellkitten (S/s):
Leather, feathers, or kitten fur, especially. Even if they weren't
so deadly, they'd be worth shooting just to rid the world of the quart
or so of oily cuteness they seem to exude.
- BatttleWarMechBot (T/t):
The most versatile, practical combat machine since the invention of the
electric hair dryer in 1902. On the other hand, it's still no fun if one
falls on you.
- Bthulhu (U/u): In
sunken Q'lyeh, dread Bthulhu sits crocheting. He's batwinged, baby, but
he's no bimbo. Run.
The set also includes six additional "extras"
(three per font) - random bits of Macho Women art from the
- Macho Women Trio
(1,2,3 in the Macho Women font): A stack of Cosmos (a
valuable treasure-item; sprinkle counters made of this glyph around a combat
and watch the hissing start!); an overhead Macho Woman (with both gun and
knife), and another picture of Richard Tucholka, because you can never
have too many.
- Macho Targets Trio (1,2,3 in the Macho Targets
font): The first two are for map-making - overhead views of
a park pool/fountain, and a park bench. The third is another picture of
ZsaZsathoth, to demonstrate how easily you can have too many. Ideal for
use in those custom greeting-card programs.
Macho Women with Guns is a Windows TrueType font. It works
on any modern Windows system, and on up-to-date versions of the Macintosh
OS (Mac began supporting Windows fonts in OS X). If you have any doubts
whether Sparks will work on your system (especially if you're
a Mac user), please download the Sparks: Free-for-All
sample font and test it on your computer. If the Free-for-All
works, this set will too.
Oops. Sparks will be unavailable for a week or
two as I move the entire library over to RPGNow
and DriveThruRPG. Keep an eye there,
or here, for this to change. But it won't take long, I promise! Sparks
will return (and there'll be new discount bundles and stuff, it'll